"I'm a People-Pleasing Disaster"

I've always been struck by the way women across different cultures manage relationships so differently, yet face strikingly similar inner battles. From boardrooms in Tokyo to community centers in Nairobi, women constantly navigate this delicate balance between being true to themselves and meeting others' expectations. ## The Hidden Cost of People-Pleasing Last month, a woman I'll call Priya came to my Manchester office, exhausted from maintaining her "perfect" life. On paper, she had it all—respected professional, devoted mother, supportive partner. But privately, she was drowning in resentment. "I'm so busy making sure everyone else is happy that I've forgotten what makes me happy," she confessed. Her words could have come from any woman, in any country I've worked in over the past twenty years. From what I've seen, this pattern repeats across cultures with remarkable consistency. Western women often frame it as a failure of assertiveness, while women in more collectivist societies might view it as a necessary sacrifice. But regardless of how we intellectualize it, the emotional experience is universal—that persistent feeling that we're betraying ourselves while trying to please others. The fundamental principle is surprisingly simple: when we consistently ignore our emotional bytes—those bundles of physical sensations, feelings, and needs that arise within us—they don't disappear; they accumulate. Over time, these unprocessed emotional bytes form rigid frames through which we view our relationships, creating automatic scripts that feel inevitable but actually keep us trapped in cycles of resentment. ## The Truth About Influence Here's what women don't realize: true influence doesn't come from self-sacrifice. In fact, the women I've counseled who have the most genuine impact on others aren't the ones constantly bending themselves into pretzels. They're the ones who have developed what I call "emotional granularity"—the ability to distinguish between different needs and feelings rather than experiencing them as one overwhelming flood. A client from Stockholm once told me: "I spent years thinking I had two choices: be completely authentic and alienate everyone, or be completely accommodating and lose myself." What she discovered—what many women discover—is that these aren't our only options. The most influential women maintain their authentic selves while strategically choosing when and how to engage with cultural expectations. Think of it like clearing out your wardrobe. You wouldn't throw away everything you own simply because some items no longer fit. Nor would you keep everything out of obligation. Instead, you thoughtfully assess each piece, keeping what serves you and releasing what doesn't. Your emotional responses and relational boundaries work the same way. ## What I've Noticed About Women's Happiness The happiest women I've worked with aren't necessarily those with the most freedom or the fewest responsibilities. They're the ones who have developed a keen awareness of their internal emotional frames—the invisible lenses through which they interpret situations—and have learned to update these frames when they no longer serve them. A woman in Lagos taught me something profound when she said, "I cannot change my mother-in-law's expectations, but I can change how I respond to them." She had discovered that while cultural scripts might be powerful, they're not inevitable. By recognizing her automatic emotional scripts—those behavioral patterns that felt natural but were actually learned—she found space to respond differently. This isn't about rejecting cultural norms wholesale. Some traditions genuinely support women's well-being, while others undermine it. The key is developing your meta-emotional intelligence—understanding not just what you feel, but the systems creating those feelings in the first place. Italian women often express emotions more openly than their British counterparts, but neither approach is inherently superior. What matters is whether your emotional expression aligns with your authentic self while still allowing you to function effectively in your cultural context. ## Finding Your Center The emotional bytes that make up your inner experience are neither right nor wrong—they simply are. The way forward isn't about eliminating uncomfortable emotions but integrating them into a more coherent whole. This process of positive disintegration—allowing ourselves to feel the tension between competing needs—is actually necessary for growth. We're often told that setting boundaries means saying "no" more often. That's partly true, but it's incomplete. Effective boundaries aren't just walls keeping others out; they're sacred spaces defining where your emotional responsibility ends and another's begins. They require understanding your needs hierarchy—distinguishing between basic psychological needs for autonomy and competence, emotional needs for safety and growth, identity needs for validation and authenticity, and relational needs for responsiveness and support. Consider your relationship to expectations like you would consider items in your home. Some deserve a permanent place because they genuinely support your well-being. Others need to be examined regularly to see if they still fit. And some need to be graciously but firmly shown the door. —Monica Dean, remembering that your emotional truth isn't something to apologize for; it's your compass through life's complexities.