"I'm a Shape-Shifting Fraud"

I've often noticed that women across cultures share a remarkable ability to adapt—sometimes to our detriment. Whether I'm counseling corporate executives in Tokyo or young mothers in Mexico City, I see the same pattern: we become experts at shape-shifting to meet others' expectations while gradually losing touch with our own internal compass. Last month, a brilliant Indian-American surgeon came to my office in Manchester. Despite her professional success, she whispered her confession like it was shameful: "I don't know who I am anymore. At work, I'm assertive. With my traditional in-laws, I'm demure. With friends, I'm the supportive one. I'm exhausted from being everyone else's version of me." Her story isn't unique—it's the modern woman's dilemma, playing out in different costumes across the globe. ## The Addiction to Approval We Don't Talk About From what I've seen working with women across five continents, we develop something akin to an emotional addiction to external validation. Like nicotine creates dependency by hijacking the brain's reward system, constantly seeking others' approval rewires our emotional responses until we can't distinguish between what we want and what others expect from us. This isn't just psychology—it's about how we process our emotional bytes, those fundamental units containing our physical sensations, emotional charges, needs, and the stories we tell ourselves. When we consistently prioritize others' expectations, we develop emotional frames that automatically filter our experiences through the question "Will this please others?" rather than "Is this right for me?" The truth is, breaking this cycle requires the same awareness and intentionality as overcoming any dependency. Just as research shows that believing in your ability to quit smoking is more important than understanding nicotine's addictiveness, believing in your right to define yourself matters more than analyzing why you seek approval. ## The Clarity of Simplifying Your Emotional Wardrobe Think about your emotional life like your wardrobe. Most of us have closets full of beliefs, behaviors, and boundaries that no longer serve us but that we keep "just in case." We hold onto people-pleasing habits, outdated family scripts, and fear-based decisions because they once kept us safe or accepted. The principle I share with my clients is simple: If it consistently drains rather than sustains you, it doesn't deserve space in your life. A Swedish client once told me, "Monica, I realized I've been living in emotional clutter. I've been keeping relationships, commitments, and even personal goals that don't fit who I am now." She described the liberation of "decluttering" her life—not just physical possessions but emotional obligations and social performances that no longer served her. This principle applies across cultures, though the specific applications vary. My clients in hierarchical societies like Japan or Egypt might not publicly challenge authority, but they find subtle ways to maintain authenticity while navigating cultural expectations. Meanwhile, my American clients often need permission to set firmer boundaries in cultures that celebrate boundless individualism and constant accessibility. ## What I've noticed: The paradox of influence Here's what women don't realize: Our greatest influence comes not from performing or people-pleasing but from authentic presence. We've been conditioned to believe that constant adaptation makes us more likable and effective, but I've consistently observed the opposite. The most influential women I've counseled—from a Malaysian entrepreneur to a Brazilian community organizer—share one quality: they've stopped trying to influence everyone. Instead, they focus on being fully present with their values and boundaries intact. They understand that influence isn't manipulation; it's the natural outcome of living consistently with your own emotional truth. These women have developed what I call "meta-emotional intelligence"—the ability to understand not just their emotions, but the systems creating those emotions. They recognize when they're operating from outdated emotional scripts and can pause to choose responses aligned with their authentic needs. A client from Northern England put it brilliantly: "I realized I don't need to be louder or more aggressive to be heard. I just need to stop apologizing for the space I naturally take up." This simple shift transformed not just how others perceived her, but how she experienced herself. ## Simplicity as the ultimate sophistication Women often ask me how to balance cultural expectations with personal authenticity. My answer is always the same: Simplify your approach to relationships by clarifying your non-negotiables. Most of us have too many rules about how others should behave and too few boundaries about what we will accept. We've got it backwards. Having just a handful of clear personal boundaries while being flexible about most everything else creates both freedom and respect. A Lebanese client described this as "having a strong center and soft edges." Her cultural context required certain adaptations, but by identifying her core values—her emotional center—she could flex around the edges without feeling lost. The women who navigate this balance best understand that authenticity isn't about expressing every thought or feeling. It's about ensuring that what you do express is genuinely yours, not performance or people-pleasing. They've learned to distinguish between their native emotional bytes and the borrowed ones they've absorbed from family, culture, and society. —Monica Dean, Manchester The simplest truth I've learned counseling women worldwide? When you stop trying to be everything to everyone, you become more to the people who truly matter—including yourself.